Pain and Healing
by darktwilight418
Summary: Together for 7 years, married for 4...things happen that might tear them apart. Return of an old team-mate should be cause for celebration, but instead it causes agony.


They had been together three years before they got married; that was four years ago. In the beginning it had been rough. They had to fight through the prejudices of those that worked around them, but not their team. They knew what was going to happen before the couple did. I guess that's what happened when you worked with the best profilers in the country.

Spencer Reid threw the letter he had been reading down in disgust. He couldn't believe that this had happened again. He thought that they were through with people looking down on him and his chosen spouse.

He was so lost in his thoughts as he left the room he didn't notice a set of eyes watching him from the corner of the room.

Derek Morgan watched Spencer leave the room and made his way over to the letter that angered his husband. When he started to read it he quickly understood what was wrong.

_Dear Mr. Reid,_

_We are happy to hear that you are looking to adopt a child. Becoming a parent is one of the most rewarding experiences in the world. It can be very trying at times but the outcome of those times cannot be explained._

_However, upon reading your and your husband's questionnaire some flags jumped out at us. They are minor by themselves, but put together we are unable to ignore them._

_You and your husband's jobs_

_Your medical history_

_Your husband's past_

_These things are taken into consideration when we look through applicants looking to adopt._

_Unfortunately at this time we are not able to continue the process of adoption for you and your husband._

_Smiling Children Adoption agency._

Derek knew that his husband wanted a child almost as much as he did. He knew that Spencer was scared of having a biological one because of what his mother had gone through before she passed away. They had agreed that adoption was the next best thing.

After they had been married for six months they started applying to different agencies, and they were finally accepted. Had he have known all of the heartache that they were destined for with that agency, Derek would have turned them down immediately.

They were picked by a young girl whose boyfriend had left her when he found out she was pregnant. She had chosen the two men because of the racial similarities between the two couples. Spencer and Derek were all set to take home the little girl when the boyfriend showed up at the hospital and confessed that he had been scared of fatherhood.

That had been the first child they lost. Over the next two years it happened two more times. They reached the finish line and had their baby snatched away from them.

After the last time Spencer said 'no more' because he couldn't handle the heartbreak anymore. He couldn't handle fixing up the nursery and having it just right for their baby, just to be told that the mother had changed her mind.

That had been two years ago.

Derek didn't know that Spencer had taken it upon himself to try to apply to a new agency, but he figured that it had to do with the heartache that they both felt when the final baby, a boy, had been taken out of their arms just before they left the hospital to bring him home.

He made his way upstairs and stopped when he saw the nursery door open. It had been kept shut since the last baby, but he knew that sometimes Spencer would stare at the door.

Going into the room he was shocked to see his husband pulling the clothes out of the drawers and throwing them around the room. He was pulled out of his stupor when the dresser was knocked over.

"Spencer! Stop it!" he shouted.

The younger man stopped what he was doing and turned to his husband, and Derek's heart broke when he saw the tears streaming down his face.

"Why can nothing go right for me? For us? We wanted a child for so long and even after we were denied I kept thinking that maybe it would go right for us at some point. I knew that there were still agencies out there that were against people like us, but I didn't think that after all of my research that I would stumble upon one of them." Derek could see that everything was starting to hit him at once, and he needed to calm his husband down before he hurt himself. "I wanted those babies that were taken from us. I opened my heart up to them and welcomed them before I knew them. We fixed this room up for them and each time they were taken from us we redid the room for the next one, so the new baby wouldn't question why we didn't change it for him or her."

Spencer stopped talking when the pain of losing the babies got to be too much for him, but Derek was shocked when he saw his husband starting to beat on a mirror with his fists. He knew that the mirror wouldn't hold out for too long and before he could stop him the mirror shattered, cutting the thin hands up.

"Spence! Pretty Boy!"

He rushed over to his husband and grabbed him up, carrying him into their bathroom. He set the younger man down on the closed toilet seat and grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink and set to fixing up the distraught man's hands.

Thirty minutes later Derek had Spencer sitting on one of their kitchen chairs as he cooked dinner for the two of them. He knew that they needed to talk about this but didn't know how to start.

"I can't do this anymore." Spencer whispered. Derek turned and looked at him with a small bit of shock in his eyes. "I can't go through this pain again, because I don't think I will be able to suffer through another heartbreak. I know that you want children Derek, but I can't do this again."

"We can try a diff-" was all he got out before he was cut off.

"No we can't! We can't try something different because there isn't anything else that we can do. I opened myself up to having kids because I knew that this was something that was important to you. I understood that if and when we became parents I was going to have to get over the fear of people hurting me, because children speak before thinking. I knew that and moved on with it. But after everything that we have been through, I just can't do it anymore."

Derek set down the spatula that he had been gripping and looked at his husband with anger in his eyes. He should have known that all of this was just for him. He knew from the beginning of their relationship that Spencer wasn't too keen on children, but after a while he had come around to Derek's thinking.

"Why didn't you tell me this before? Why didn't you say that you didn't want kids?"

"I was afraid that I was going to lose you too." he barely heard the quiet response.

He couldn't say anything. Everything that he had known for the past five years had just gone down the drain. All their talks about wanting children had been a lie; just something to make him happy.

Spencer knew that when he told his husband the semi-truth about having kids in their life that it might hurt him, but he never expected Derek to turn around and leave the room.

At first he thought that Derek would be retreating to the backyard with their dog when he heard the side door shut, but when he heard the motorcycle start up he knew that he had probably lost him forever.

He knew that he should have talked to Derek before now, with all of the hurt rolling around through him. He knew that if he had explained things to him then he wouldn't have stormed out of their house.

It had taken many months for him to get over the fact that Derek wasn't going to leave him for every minor thing that he did wrong. He slowly started to understand that even with the mountain of things wrong with him (not that Derek thought so) he was still loved.

But even with the constant reassurance from his husband there was one subject that he could never fully talk to him about. It was something that he kept locked away in his mind, never to be thought of unless he was alone.

The fact that he could not give his husband one of the things he wanted most in the world. Children.

Even with everything that had gone on in Derek's past Spencer knew that his husband would make a great father, so he persuaded him to talk to someone about what he had been through, and after a few months Derek realized that his past did nothing to say that he would be a bad father.

Spencer sat in their living room waiting for Derek to return home so they could talk, but he never showed up.

He knew that Derek was upset, but he didn't think that he would leave him to go to sleep alone. He knew that Spencer still had nightmares at least once a night and the only way for him to get back to sleep was in his husbands arms.

He must have fallen asleep at some point because he woke up to their dog scratching at the back door. He reached up to rub his eyes and pulled back when they encountered tears.

He relived his nightmare and wasn't too shocked to find that it was one of Derek leaving him. he hadn't had one like that since they had gotten married, but he knew that he wouldn't be going back to sleep any time soon.

After letting the dog in, he made his way to the bedroom so he could get ready for work. He couldn't' look at any of Derek's things, because if he did he knew that he would break down.

Twenty minutes later, at 4:30 am, Spencer left the house and made his way to work.

Derek jerked awake. He had no idea where he was. As he looked around he was hit with the thought that this room was familiar and as a woman walked through the door he knew he was in trouble and the night came back in flashes.

_*leaving Spencer in tears*arriving at the bar*seeing a former colleague there*drinking too much and leaving with her*falling down into a bed*not being able to stop her*knowing that something was happening that he didn't want to happen*feeling like he did back when he was younger*feeling himself release into her, unable to stop himself*_

Emily Prentiss was watching him. He knew that what they did should not have happened but he didn't know what to say to her.

"This was wrong and should not have happened." She stated. "Just because you and Reid had a fight did not give us the right to do this. You and I both know that this is never going to happen again. You need to get up off your ass and go find your husband."

With that she turned and left. He never knew that she was the one who pushed for something to happen. She never told him that he never cried out her name, but his husband's name.

He knew that if this got out he would be screwed more than he already was. He knew that Spencer was a forgiving man, but this could just be the one thing that sent his love over the edge.

He readied himself for work and bid a quick 'bye' to Prentiss before flying out the door. It had been a shock when the dark haired woman approached him in the bar last night. After leaving the BAU shortly before him and Spencer got together she had taken a position with Interpol. According to Emily she was back in the States for about six months.

He hoped in his heart that after last night and this morning that he wouldn't have the pleasure of running into her again…especially if he was with his husband.

As he walked into the BAU he was shocked to see his desk, Agent Seaver's desk and Spencer's desk completely cleaned off. He knew that he had left a stack of folders on his desk last night when he left to go home, with the intentions of doing them this morning.

He looked around and spotted Hotch walking back to his office.

"Hotch! What happened in here?"

He was hit with the 'I will kill you stare' and was told "Reid appeared here this morning" and with that his boss walked into his office, shut the door and closed the blinds.

Three months later

Spencer knew that things between him and his husband had changed the night that Derek had walked out of their house. He also knew that it was all his fault. If he hadn't kept something like that from him then none of this would have happened.

He knew that the anger that Derek felt towards him was justified and kept waiting for the day when he would tell him that he wanted a divorce, and as much and it would kill him to do so, he would go along with whatever his husband wanted. He loved him so much he would give up his own happiness just to please him.

He never found out where Derek had gone to that night, and even though he wanted to ask and be angry he felt like he had no right to ask him such things. Every bit of self confidence that he had gained in the seven years of being with Derek had been dashed in one evening.

When he walked into the office that early morning he wasn't shocked to see Hotch working in his office. He got started with his folders and worked his way through his, and Derek's and Seaver's.

Hotch must have seen the heartache on his face because after the last folder was closed he sent him down to some of the training rooms to help out with the new cadets.

When he came back up to grab his things to leave he noticed that Derek wasn't at his desk like normal and figured that he called into work that day.

Even now, three months after the fight, he still didn't know how to act in his own home. Derek only talked to him when he absolutely needed to and he couldn't speak to him any other time, because he was scared of breaking down in front of him.

He knew that the other man was emotionally stronger than him and every time he had a breakdown in front of him Spencer felt like a fool afterwards. He knew that Derek deserved someone better than him, but was afraid of what would happen to him if Derek ever did realize that.

With his emotions running all over the place it was no wonder Spencer wasn't eating or sleeping like he should have been. He was drinking more coffee than ever before, but no one seemed to notice…not even the man who had sworn to watch over him for the rest of his life.

Spencer got the feeling like something was going to happen. And with everything that he had been through he knew that one more blow would surely topple him.

Things had been strained between him and Spencer since their argument, and he didn't know how to make things better. He tried talking to his husband but would barely get a response from him. He knew that he had hurt the younger man but he had no idea how to fix things between them.

He also knew that if he told Spencer what had happened between him and Emily that things would forever be broken between the two of them. And as much as he hated the way he was acting towards him, he knew that Spencer would not be able to handle this too.

He looked up from his desk when he heard JJ and Garcia quietly talking as they walked past him.

"I talked to her last night and she sounded horrible." Garcia whispered.

JJ said "I gave her some advice as to what foods she should eat and things like that."

Derek's heart dropped when he heard that, because he knew that they could only be talking about one person.

"I didn't even realize that she was back in the country." JJ said. "But she said she had been back for three months."

He looked over to his husband who was working, but he could tell that Spencer was listening to the girls' conversation too.

"When did she find out? She can't be that far along, can she?" Garcia asked.

Derek watched as his husband went over their conversation in his head, but could tell that some things weren't clicking in the genius' mind. But in the next seconds everything was clear to him.

"Three months, give or take a day or two." JJ answered. "She wouldn't tell me anything else, but she did say she was about three months."

Spencer's eyes shot to his. Derek knew that his husband could read him like any book in his library and when he didn't turn away or try to deny anything he knew that he probably lost his husband for good.

He couldn't take his eyes off of him. After everything that they had gone through to get together. After all of the crap that they had to endure from the Bureau. After EVERYTHING!

He quietly stood up and when he did the girls stopped talking. They, along with his hus-whatever he was, watched him gather his things and walk out the glass doors to the elevator.

As the doors shut behind him Spencer broke down. He knew that something had happened that night after Derek had left, but never thought that this was it. He never thought that his husband would cheat on him. He never thought that after everything they had gone through Derek would do this.

After all of the pain he had gone through with their little boy being taken out of his arms before he could even leave the hospital, Derek had gone and gotten the one thing that he wanted. The one thing that Spencer could not give him.

He had loved his little boy. After meeting the young woman who was carrying him he had fallen in love, especially after she let him go with her to one of the ultrasounds. He saw the image of the baby on the screen and knew that one day it would be going home with him and Derek.

He had prepared everything for the homecoming. He had redecorated the nursery and taken the car seat out of the closet. He was ready to bring Aiden home with him and Derek.

Then the woman had changed her mind and Aiden had been snatched right out of his arms, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

All of his dreams had died. He told himself that it was fine and that he and Derek were okay with the baby, but he never let on how much that hurt him.

And now Derek was going to be a father, and where was he?

Alone.

Again.

He was alone after his Dad left. He was alone after Gideon left. He was alone after Elle left. He was alone after Emily died/left. He was alone when JJ left. He was alone when his mom died. He was alone when Aiden was taken from him. He was alone when Derek left.

The doors opened and as he left the building he knew that he was alone again. There was nothing that he could do to not be alone. He should have realized a long time ago that he was destined to be alone.

Even with all the happiness Derek brought him and all of the reassurance that the older man gave to him, he was still lacking in self-confidence.

As he climbed into his car and drove away he looked in his rear view mirror at the building that housed his 'family' one last time.

Derek wasn't fast enough to stop Spencer from getting into the elevator, but he knew that he had to try to stop him from getting into his little car.

He knew that his husband was suffering right now, and even if he didn't want to see him he knew that it was his job, his responsibility, to make sure his husband didn't hurt himself.

He loved the younger man so much, but felt so much shame at his mistake he couldn't bear to look at the innocent man. He knew that hearing about what happened that night would break him.

Now, after Spencer put everything together about what happened that night and after finding out what was going on with Emily…Derek knew that his love was heartbroken.

He remembered the look on Spencer's face when he walked out of the hospital to the waiting SUV. He looked around for the car seat that Aiden should have been in. Spencer said nothing as he climbed into the passenger seat and told him to go home.

Only after calling the adoption agency did he find out what had happened after he had left to get the vehicle. He wasn't shocked to hear that the mother had changed her mind, but was shocked to learn that as she was leaving the hospital she had changed her mind when she saw Spencer holding her son.

She walked right up to him and asked if she could hold the baby and he let her without a second thought. After a minute she looked up at the waiting man and told him that she had changed her mind and that she was going to keep her little boy.

Derek was told that she wasn't supposed to do things like that if she changed her mind, but that she had sixty days to do so.

After that Spencer stopped trying. Derek knew that he couldn't go through that pain anymore, so he didn't push his husband. Even though he wanted a child to raise with Spencer, he would not let him hurt like that anymore.

And now they find out that after one night…after an accident…after something that never should have happened, Derek was going to be a father. And where would that leave his husband? Where would that leave Spencer?

When he got home he was shocked to find out that Spencer was not there. He thought for sure he would come home.

When he got inside he found a note waiting for him on the coffee table, underneath a platinum ring.

_Derek_

_I love you so much and I hate you so much. You got what you always wanted. You got your child. And where does that leave me? With nothing. Alone, like always. I miss Aiden so much. I dream of him and you leaving me. I dream of you walking out with him and raising him with some woman that you met; someone who can give you more children._

_I never realized how much it could hurt to love someone so much. I thought that we had suffered through so much, that nothing could tear us apart. I love you so much, but the past three months have shown me that maybe you don't love me as much._

_You were always there to protect me in the past, but where have you been? I have been so alone. So scared of being by myself. So scared of being left alone, but you haven't been here to help me. I am scared._

_Please don't hate me, but I miss him so much and I know that I can't have him. I know that he is okay, but I can't forget him. I love him so much._

_I wish I could be there for you, in the coming months, but I can't. I can't be there to see you so happy with the one thing that I can't give to you. I can't watch her get your love and adoration and support. I can't watch you leave me alone to be with her. _

_I can't do it any longer. I haven't had you for the past three months. You have been here, but you haven't been mine. You haven't let go of whatever you and her had. And now I will never be able to forget that night._

_I might have moved on from the hurt and the pain of being forgotten, but now there is going to be a constant reminder. A reminder of something that I cannot give to you and I can't live with that pain._

_I could never make you choose, because you would be hurt either way and so would I. so I decided to make the choice for you._

_I love you so much._

_Spencer_

He knew that his Pretty Boy was lost in his thought when he wrote the rambling letter. He knew that his husband was suffering through so much and he wanted to kill himself because he was the one that caused all of his pain.

He never realized how scared Spencer was after the incident with Aiden and how much it changed him. He wishes he would have noticed how hurt he was after that night.

He didn't know what to do. Didn't know where to turn, but he knew that he needed to find his husband. He needed to tell him, to show him, that he was the most important person in the world.

He had to have the chance to prove to him and whatever had happened between him and Emily had only happened one time and that it would never happen again.

Even if there was a baby after what had happened, and that child would be a constant reminder he had to show his love that he was never going to leave him.

Spencer drove and drove and drove. He only stopped when he needed gas and even then he didn't linger long. He had to get away.

He didn't care where he drove to, didn't pay attention to any road signs. He just drove, lost in his thoughts…his memories.

He knew that he needed to get over the loss of Aiden, but he didn't know how. He never told Derek what that experience had done to him. Never told him how it broke him.

He told Derek that he was sickened over the way she came and took Aiden out of his arms. He was saddened that the little boy he had come to love wasn't going to be his son. He was angry too.

He was angry because it seemed like Derek wasn't as affected by the loss of their little boy as he was…had been. Derek never shed a tear over Aiden's non-placement in their little family.

Derek hadn't pushed him when he decided that he couldn't go through the pain of losing another child. He just nodded his head and when on about his business. It was as if he didn't care anymore. As if he didn't want that family with Spencer anymore.

But now he was going to have that family. He was going to have a 'normal' family now, not a family with a weird father who shouted random facts whenever they popped into his head. Derek would finally have normal.

Knowing that and finally admitting that to himself brought another round of tears to Spencer's eyes. He always knew, deep down, that something would tear his husband away from him. He just never admitted it to himself.

Spencer finally tired of driving when he spotted a lake lit up by the moon's light. As he parked and pulled himself out of his car he hated the feeling that slipped into him.

He was alone. Again. With no one there to protect him. Protect him from the nightmares that were sure to creep into his subconscious. Protect him from those that were threatened by his genius.

As much anger as he had towards his husband, he wished that the older man was there. He needed the protection that Derek gave to him. He had come to rely on it.

Derek talked to Garcia. As upset as she was with him, she didn't let it show. She knew that he was heartbroken over everything. But she also knew that something was going on.

She knew that Derek would never, ever cheat on Spencer. She knew that he loved the younger man more than life itself, and that he would give anything to make him happy.

She knew about the failed adoptions and how it hurt Derek each time another baby was taken from them. Especially the last time.

She told him that he needed to talk to Spencer about Aiden, but he wouldn't budge. He told her that Spencer had too much to think about, and his feelings would just overwhelm and confuse the younger man.

Derek had cried on her shoulder day after day. He blamed himself for the pain that Spencer was going through. He felt guilty because Aiden was taken out of Spencer's arms when he wasn't there to make everything better.

She understood the agony Spencer felt when everything clicked in his head that morning. He loved his husband so much, relied on him for everything, and so to find out that his dream of having kids was being given to his husband by someone else was killing him.

Garcia called Derek and told him where to find his husband. She had been tracking him for the last two days, and finally he had stopped, somewhere in rural Idaho. He talked long enough to get the town closest to his wayward love and to as Garcia to get him a plane ticket.

After seeing one of her Boys off she made up her mind. Calling JJ she asked the petit blonde to meet her at a café.

Twenty minutes later they were drinking coffee.

"Something is going on. Something weird, and I do not like it one bit." Garcia started. "She left town and then she came back but didn't tell anyone that she was back. Somehow she and Derek end up at the same bar and three months later here we are. Tell me that I am wrong."

JJ just shook her head. "I know what you mean. She left before they got together, but that's bothering me too."

"I remember a couple times when she tried to get Derek to go out with her, right before she made the decision to leave. It was as if she could see the things starting to develop between the two of them and she was trying to stop it. She knew how sensitive Reid was back then and she knew that if she could make it seem like there was something between her and Derek he would bottle up his feelings."

"Garcia, please don't say what I think you are trying to say." JJ looked scared. "Please tell me that you don't think Emily did this on purpose. She would never hurt Reid and Morgan like that."

The two women just stared at each other, both knowing that when Derek found out about the betrayal that had taken place there would be nothing in the world that could stop him from lashing out.

As he sat in his seat on the plane he thought about what could be said to make things right between him and his husband. The more he thought, though, the more he realized that he had probably lost the most important thing in his life.

One moment, a moment that he couldn't fully remember, was going to screw up his entire world. But, as the plane flew closer to his Love he began to really think about what happened that night.

As he was sitting there pulling the missing pieces out and putting them where they belonged, he began to see what really happened that night. And when he had the full picture he got angry real quick.

He pulled a credit card out and swiped it to use the phone on the airplane…he needed to talk to his technical goddess.

Twenty minutes, five angry looks from the flight attendant and one small bottle of Bourbon later he was hanging up the phone.

Derek finally knew what had happened that night, and even though he knew the truth he was afraid Spencer wouldn't believe him. If that was the case, even if it wasn't, he was going to make one woman pay for what she had done to his life.

Even though she left the BAU he still considered Prentiss family, and never thought that someone would do something like this in their little family. Yes, they had all seen what could be done to family by their own family, but he never imagined that it would happen to him.

He never thought that one of their own would be so callous…never thought that they would care so little for the feelings of all of those involved.

But as he drove towards his heart and soul he started thinking back to how things where when she was there. He started remembering little things that she either said or did to belittle Spencer, and how he most of all brushed it off.

There had been times when she thought her and him were alone, but Derek was always there making sure nothing happened to his Pretty Boy. She had made comments to him, making him feel unworthy of being on the team and telling him that no one needed his statistics.

Derek realized that he should have stopped it when it first started, but he thought the younger man wouldn't like his input. He didn't want Spencer to think that he, Derek, thought of him as weak. So he left it alone.

As he pulled up to a beautiful lake he spotted the one person that made his life worth living, and he knew that things were going to change. But would it be for better or for worse?

Spencer was looking at the stars, naming off the constellations as he found them, when he started feeling as though someone was watching him. As he slowly looked around he got nervous when he didn't see anyone.

This was why the team always picked on him, because he was the one that would run off and get himself into trouble. He was the one that the UnSubs were looking for, because they always thought that he couldn't protect himself.

Just as he was about to get up and run for it he heard the voice that made everything right again.

"Spencer, please" he wanted to run, but the plea in the voice made him stay, "talk to me. Let me talk to you. There are things that need to be explained."

He turned and looked at his husband and in that instant he saw the pain and suffering that he knew mirrored his own eyes. He jumped up and ran into the arms of his protector and started crying.

He knew that he needed to be strong and keep a distance from Derek, but there was something telling him that it would all work out. The little voice in his head, not the crazy voice, was telling him to trust his husband and everything would work out in the end.

Spencer pulled back and looked into Derek's eyes. "Please tell me that I am wrong. I don't want to think about it, but please tell me that what I heard and what I figured out is wrong. I couldn't take it if everything was true."

Derek reached his hand up and pushed the long hair out of Spencer's face. It had been so long since he had held his husband like this, and he wasn't going to let him go because of some ill-fated attempt to steal him away.

He knew that things were going to be though to talk about, but it needed to be done.

"It's true" he had to tighten his arms as Spencer tried to pull away "but it's not true."

"How?"

Derek pulled his husband down with him as he leaned up against a tree. He made sure to place Spencer between his legs, with his head resting underneath Derek's chin.

Taking a deep breath he began talking about what had happened between him and Prentiss after he left their house. He talked about running into her and having a few drinks, to which Spencer shakes his head.

He talked about leaving the bar, but then he couldn't remember anything after that. He knew that Spencer probably wouldn't believe him, but he kept on with the story.

He spoke about talking to Garcia and JJ. He told Spencer about their thoughts on everything that had happened in the past eight years, especially the last three months.

When he finished talking he could do nothing but wait.

He knew that the younger man needed time to think about everything. He needed to be able to go back over their conversation. He had to come to grip with the fact that someone he cared deeply for would hurt him this bad.

Spencer couldn't believe what had been told to him. How could one person do this much damage and not care? How could she come back into his life and try to screw it up?

He couldn't, with his vast knowledge, explain what he was feeling.

How could he tell his husband that he wasn't upset with him, even though he was, even thought it wasn't his fault? How could he place the blame on him when it was not his fault? Even though he hurt, how could he be angry at him?

That was just it, he couldn't.

After hearing all the facts, and having everything laid out for him he knew that he couldn't be angry at Derek for this.

He knew that he needed to talk to Derek about his feelings. He needed to explain that he wasn't angry or upset or hurt anymore. Well, he was hurt because his husband was going to be a father and he had nothing to do with it.

How could he express his feelings without having stats come pouring out or some facts that didn't pertain to what was going on?

Slowly he turned around in his husbands arms and looked up at him. When the older man looked down at him, he could see the fear of rejection and resignation to the fact that he might be lost to him forever.

He slowly smiled and leaned in to kiss him.

Derek knew that Spencer would need time. He would give him all the time in the world; that was the least he could do. After everything that he had put the younger man through he wasn't going to rush him in making a decision about their future.

He was slowly drawn out of his musings when he felt his husband turning around in his arms. He looked down at the doe eyes staring back at him and couldn't help but be drawn into them.

He loved this man with everything that he had; with his entire body and soul. He would do anything for this man, just to have him by his side for the rest of eternity.

He was afraid of rejection, so afraid that he would lose the other half of himself. He knew he would never recover if that were to happen, but told himself that if that were to happen it was his fault.

When Spencer leaned in to kiss him he felt everything slip back into place.

Later that evening, as they were driving back to DC, Derek looked at his sleeping husband and couldn't help but smile. He loved the younger man so much, and would do anything to make him happy.

He was brought out of his musings when his phone began to ring.

"Morgan."

He hadn't bothered to check to see who was calling, because at this moment it didn't really matter to him.

"Morgan, its Rossi." And just by the tone of his voice he knew that something was bothering the older profiler.

"What's wrong?"

He heard a sigh, and then "Prentiss learned that she was going to be questioned in regards to what transpired between the two of you. She must have gotten scared by what might happen to her and decided to leave town. Unfortunately as she was driving down 95 her car ran off the road and went over an embankment."

"Oh God. No one else was hurt, were they?"

At this point he looked over at Spencer and saw that he was awake and could obviously hear what was being said over the phone.

"No, but she died on impact. But that's not all Derek." He heard Rossi talking to someone in the background and then the phone was passed to someone else.

"Hi there to my Boys. What Rossi is trying to say…umm…she was never pregnant-" at that moment his phone decided to die.

Spencer could look back on his life and say that there were things that he would want to change. Even though he could admit that everything happened for a reason and each even that happened in his life had shaped him into the person he was today, he still wished that some things weren't there.

A year ago things between him and Derek were horrible.

Everything with the adoption letter and Emily and all that ensued could have torn them apart. In fact, to everyone around them they looked as though there were going to be splitting up any time soon.

He loved his husband, and he would never have let that happen.

Yes he was angry with him over the Prentiss fiasco. He was more upset about the fact that he hadn't told Spencer what had happened. He was hurt because he thought that Derek didn't trust him anymore.

Derek was hurt and finally explained that he felt guilty about everything, when they got around to talking about Aiden and that whole mess. He told the younger man that he thought Spencer blamed him for his pain. Because if not for Derek, he wouldn't be going through this all the time.

He didn't want his younger husband to think that he needed to want kids just to make him happy. He was happy with the family that they had, and if they weren't able to adopt any kids, that would be okay too.

It had taken them a while to get back to where they once were. It was very painful talk out everything, especially when Spencer talked about still being scared that his husband was going to end up leaving him. He knew that the older man loved him, but it was still there in the back of his mind that someone better may come along and steal him away.

It was in the healing process that they were surprised with a phone call one day. The adoption agency that they had used when they were adopting Aiden had called them.

A young woman was having a little boy and knew that she couldn't keep him. She had been looking through books put together by couples looking to adopt and had accidentally came upon their book. The agency was surprised to see it there, but answered her questions about them.

Evidentially she was shocked and saddened to hear their story, especially about Aiden. After hearing how he had been taken from Spencer's arms, she knew that she had found the family she had been looking for.

And that is what led them here, to this hospital room where young Heather was about to give birth.

She knew the moment she read their book and listened to the counselor that this couple was the right choice for her baby boy.

Heather had been surprised to find their book, because the two men were what she had been picturing for the past three months. She knew when she first saw their picture that they were her little boy's parents.

When she was told how they had lost three other children, and especially how Aiden was taken out of the younger man's arms just as he was getting ready to take him home, she knew that they were 'It.'

Not once did she waver in her decision to give her little boy to them. She invited them along to her appointments, and even though the older one didn't come the younger one did, and she was happy because of it.

She knew that he was scared in the beginning because of everything that he had suffered through. She knew that until the forms were finalized he was going to be scared that she would change her mind, which was one of the reasons why she pressed for the papers to be finalized the day Spencer and Derek took their little boy home.

She was moving away and didn't want that fear lingering over the two men. She knew that neither would relax until that day came and went, so she did what she could to help them feel better.

As she gave birth to their little boy she watched the two men in the room with her, giving her the support that her own family wasn't giving her. They were there for her and for their baby. They wanted to support her in any way that they could.

When the moment came she looked at them and smiled.

Derek felt his world shift when he witnessed the birth of Trenton Samuel. He loved his husband, he knew that, but seeing his baby boy being born was something other worldly. He felt everything fall into place with this little boy.

He was surprised to learn about Heather. Along the way he was happy to hear that she and Spencer were getting along. He knew how scared the younger man was about her changing her mind in the end.

Derek knew that if she happened to do so then there would be no more baby talk. He now saw how emotionally involved Spencer got with the baby and understood the totally heartbreak that he suffered each time they were ripped from his arms and heart.

But they were here, at the end of this journey. They made it through, together.

Spencer knew that heather wasn't going to change her mind, they had talked about that many times before, but he was still scared. Scared that something was going to swoop in and take his happiness away from him.

But as Derek pulled into their driveway and he saw their friends waiting on the front porch he knew that they were complete. And as he got out and watched Derek carefully hoist the car seat out of the back seat he smiled, know and believing that he was no longer alone in the world.

He had his husband back and now they had their son, their little boy, given to them by the bravest woman that either of them had ever met.


End file.
